CARTER: Ok, Stuart, new ground rule.
From now on, whenever I have friends over,
you cannot bring a girl home.
Give me a break. It was a first date.
I was feeling uncomfortable, too.
Of course, you were. She rode you in on all fours.
That was my fault.
I had been very naughty.
Do you guys mind?
It's been a lifelong dream of mine to do real writing.
I've finally been commissioned to do a piece
for a respected national magazine.
Oh, really? The new yorker? Vanity fair?
Sassy.
The article was due yesterday,
so if I could get some peace and quiet, gentlemen.
(STUART AND CARTER MUTTERING MOCKINGLY)
Can't believe you'd hassle me over a date.
You don't see me complaining that dog chewed up my bedpost last night.
Stuart, rags spent the night in the vet.
I've gotta call that girl back.
She-e-e-e's sassy!
Sorry I'm late.
Sir, you've got a full day ahead of ya.
We start with a budget meeting from 9:00 to 10:45,
rocket into a symposium on air quality management,
and when you think you can't take any more excitement, bam!
4 more hours of budget meetings.
Did I tell you guys that my grandfather died?
Last night?
30 years ago.
But it got me thinking.
So much of our lives are spent focused on work.
We never stop and connect with the people who are truly important to us.
Your dad's on the phone.
I'm not here.
Let's take a minute and let's talk about our...
Personal lives.
Paul! Get us started.
I have non-motile sperm.
Oh, God. T-minus 30 seconds to tour guide Doug.
Carter, act like my boyfriend.
Oh, sorry. I don't have time
to buy a camaro and alienate your parents.
Coming up on our right is the highlight of our tour.
The pride of city hall.
Ms. Stacey paterno.
She's beautiful.
Doug, you're annoying
and the sight of you makes my stomach turn.
Hi, everyone.
Doug, this is my boyfriend.
(AHEM) Yeah, and you, uh...
(IN LOUD VOICE) Better not be eyeballin' my woman!
People, this is Carter Heywood.
He's an avowed homosexual.
Shame on you for trying to fool Doug.
Shame.
And we're movin'.
So, are we... (AHEM)
Still on for tonight?
Yeah. Who leaves first?
I will. On my way out,
I'll drop a stack of contracts off on your desk.
Ok. Then you want me to act annoyed and leave 10 minutes later?
Oh, no. Finish the contracts.
I'll swing by your house later.
Hey, listen, Mike.
Ever since we opened up to each other in the mayor's office,
I think we've taken our friendship to a whole new level.
Me, too, Paul. Now you wanna get out of my way?
Anyway, listen. Things are a little tense at home.
I just can't seem to get Claudia pregnant.
Every night, night after night,
she's on my back, riding me.
I think I've zeroed in on your problem.
You know what it is? It's those damn lazy sperm.
They're just lousy swimmers.
Maybe they'll pick up points in the high dive.
And you can't believe the tests the doctors gave me. The probing... ooh.
You barrel ahead with the personal stuff...
they figured out it was my testicles.
Stacey? Code red.
Paul, get out.
I appreciate you letting me work in your office, sir.
You have no idea how hard it is to get any work done out there.
I totally empathize.
Sometimes I can't believe how little I get done in here.
(CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK)
I'm sorry.
You know...
No one ever just drops by to chat.
You seem like you're a pretty good listener.
Yeah, I think I'm a pretty good-looking kid.
I'm sorry, sir, I would love to talk. It's just that I'm so busy.
It's nice to have some peace and quiet.
Peace and quiet.
Silence.
(IN LOUD VOICE) Silencio!
(CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK)
Hey, Mike, can I hire an intern?
No.
Come on, Mike. I'm swamped.
How old is she?
18, but you'd swear she's 25.
No again.
Mike, can I come in late tomorrow?
I have to testify in a hit-and-run case.
No.
No problem. I mean, he's a friend of mine,
but he's out of the coma.
Do you even remember the last time you said yes?
I think this job might be making you a cold person.
That's not true.
Uh-huh. And what happened
when someone asked you for a few dollars yesterday?
I said no and told him to get a job.
Mike, he was 8.
(SARCASTICALLY) Selling candy bars for his marching band.
What was I, born yesterday?
Do you wanna be the kind of guy
who automatically says no to people, no matter what the question?
Mike, quick favor.
Can I use your sperm to impregnate my wife?
Yes!
Great. Thanks, buddy.
What did he say?
This is Stacey paterno.
(SIGHS)
Doug, get over here.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you look closely,
you can see Doug's elation.
Doug, I want off the tour.
Look, I understand what you're trying to do here,
but you and I? We're just not gonna happen.
See, we're very different.
I'm a simple girl from Brooklyn
who enjoys spending time with her family and friends.
And you're an irritating freak.
Ok...
Well, let's continue this way, folks,
and, uh...
Try not to trample on Doug's broken heart as we walk out.
Why, hello there, citizens.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the mayor.
And we're movin'.
Look, Mike. I already got the little guy
his first baseball glove.
I hope he's a lefty. They were on sale.
Uh, listen. There's something I... I have to tell you guys.
And it's a little difficult,
so I'm just gonna come out and say it.
Take it away, Nik.
Uh, look, guys.
Mike just doesn't want to bring a child into this world
without being involved in his life.
Mike, you can be involved as much as you want.
To tell you the truth, with your fear of commitment,
we thought this would be a perfect opportunity for you
to be part of a family.
I... I don't know about that.
I mean, I'm in a relationship right now.
Oh, yeah, like that's gonna work out.
Ok, can I talk to you guys for a second?
I think I need to explain this a little more clearly.
Who are you?
Don't you see the resemblance?
The winning smile? The bedroom eyes?
You're my kid!
Not bad, huh?
Wh-what are you doing here?
I just came to say thanks.
Without you, I don't exist.
(CHUCKLES)
You don't exist.
Work with me here, pal.
You're doing a great, selfless thing.
I am, aren't I?
So, you see,
Mike just wants to wait and do this with someone
he's really in love with.
Right, Mike?
Claudia...
I'm in.
Let's make a baby.
What?
Oh, my God, Mike!
Mike, I can't tell you how proud I am that you're having my baby.
Nikki, talk to me, ok? What's wrong?
Oh, my boyfriend is impregnating another man's wife.
So, other than that, nothing's bothering you?
Do you know how awkward this is going to be for me
when people find out about this?
Nikki, listen to me.
You are the only one I care enough about
to have shared this information with.
That's deputy mayor Mike Flaherty.
He's donating his sperm to press secretary Paul lassiter.
Nikki... Nikki!
And now, for the highlight of today's tour.
Oh, great. Here we go again?
Why do I have to be so hot?
This...
Is janelle Cooper.
She was born April 23, a Taurus.
Sign of the fox.
(SOFTLY) Grrr.
Janelle. You put janelle on the tour.
Nothing to see here.
And we're moving.
Well, good! I'm glad!
I'm glad I'm off your stupid tour!
Wow. People complimenting you,
taking your picture,
telling you you're beautiful.
Even on days when you're feeling ugly and tired,
people come by and make you feel all good about yourself.
They're sick bastards.
And we're moving...
Come on, Doug. I'm the mayor, for God's sake.
Nikki? Could you come in here for a sec?
Actually, Mr. Flaherty, I'm a bit busy here, doing some work.
This is work-related.
We're discussing fund-raising schedules.
Fine.
However, before we do that,
I'd just like to take one moment to, uh, talk about...
My sperm.
How many conversations have I started that way?
I'm leaving.
N-Nikki, look. Everyone...
This is great. I mean, I get all the benefits of having a kid,
with none of the drawbacks.
Don't you guys think that what Mike is doing is wrong?
Actually, I'm with Mike on this one.
Someday, I'm gonna want to have a child,
and I'm gonna need some help.
I'm gonna need an egg, a uterus, a womb...
Well, a woman.
I can't believe you would be so insensitive
as to reduce a woman to her body parts...
And not even mention the yabbos.
Wait a minute, Carter. You're taking Mike's side on this?
Leave him alone, Nikki. It's not like Mike has a girlfriend or anything.
Sure, he might have some floozy on the side
who he's too embarrassed to tell anyone about,
but, hey, she's probably too dumb to care.
Ya finished?
Actually, sir...
great. Time for a break.
Maybe in a little while, sir.
I hear ya.
I've got something to do, anyway.
Oh, sir, that's fantastic.
TV AUDIENCE: Wheel... Of... Fortune!
Oh, it's a thing.
Um, pencil.
Uh... Licorice.
Soy sauce.
Sir, they haven't turned any letters yet.
I know. It's harder this way.
Maybe I should work someplace else.
No... no... no, James, I insist, I insist.
Let's be workin' buddies.
I've gotta go over this budget report, anyway.
(EXHALES)
"Roads...
4 million."
Yikes.
TV: I'd like to solve the puzzle, pat. Is it... Soy sauce?
(DING DING DING DING)
Who's your daddy?
Paul, I can't believe you're just letting this happen.
I'm uncomfortable, but what choice do I have?
I'm glad you said that. It doesn't have to be Mike.
Well, it's not that it's Mike.
I'd be uncomfortable with any man sleeping with my wife.
"Sleeping with your wife"?
He's picking her up and driving her to the clinic.
No, no. Claudia and I discussed this.
We can't afford that. They're just gonna do it.
What?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, this in vitro thing, it's like 9,000 bucks a pop.
And there's no guarantees.
This way, if it doesn't work,
I'm only out 12 bucks for a candle and a bottle of rum.
You're pimping out your wife to save money?
$9,000!
Look, this isn't some rash decision.
We've consulted all the experts.
We've done exhaustive research,
we've discussed every detail.
Believe me, we got it covered.
And Mike agreed to sleep with Claudia?
I forgot to tell Mike.
Hey. Hey.
Well, let's do this.
Oh, Mike, do you mind if we sit for a second and just talk?
Yeah, sure.
I'm really not comfortable with...
How we're supposed to do this.
Rum?
Thanks.
Listen, Claudia, the way I look at this,
we're just two people coming together to create a life.
Oh, that's so beautiful.
And don't worry. I... I'm a little nervous about this myself.
I mean, I've... I've never done this before.
Really? Ha ha.
The way you strut around,
I never would have guessed.
But I... I've been checking out the Internet, you know.
And, uh, I think I got a pretty good idea
how this is supposed to go.
Oh, dear.
And, Claudia, the more I learn,
the more excited I am about doing it with you and Paul.
Oh, Paul won't be joining us.
Oh, bummer.
You know, 'cause...
Did he leave directions?
Because without him, I don't know how to get down there.
What exactly are you expecting me to do here?
Oh, pffft,
you don't have to do anything.
I mean, I'm going to be doing all the work.
You just... you just gotta, you know,
sit back and wait for me to finish.
Funny. I mean, I just assumed
I'd be participating just a little.
Oh, no, Claudia. All I need is a dirty magazine
and I'm ready to rock and roll.
And the next stop on our tour is...
Hey, Doug.
JANELLE: Hey, Doug.
Why don't you bring all those nice people down here?
Doug, come this way.
You know you want to.
No, Doug. Come here.
Doug, come on.
It seems Stacey and janelle
are a bit too needy for Doug.
Fortunately, Doug has recently made a lifestyle choice.
On your left is the office of Mr. Carter Heywood.
Isn't he delicious?
Doug thinks Carter's all that
and a bag of chips.
I can't believe Paul didn't tell you.
I can't believe he wanted me to have sex with you.
Men have survived the experience.
Claudia, I didn't mean that. No. Listen.
If I was ever gonna have sex with another man's wife,
it would definitely be you.
Or Jeff lyles' wife.
I mean, she's like...
I... I spent a weekend with her in the Hamptons last summer, and, oh, my God!
Mike...
She's swedish.
Oh, this is so ridiculous.
I'm gonna just have to keep trying with Paul.
I'm so very, very sorry.
But, listen, don't get down, ok?
Hey, this'll work out.
I know, but if Paul would let me be like this with you,
I mean, how much could he really care about me?
Get your hands off my wife, you home wrecker!
I didn't touch your wife.
Why? She not good enough for ya, huh?
I told ya not to wear the purple.
MAYOR: James?
James?
James, you in here?
It's wheel time.
The clue is... It's an event.
I... I'm thinking groundhog day
or a bris.
It's you.
It's my boy.
And you're here with the woman I love.
Is this some kind of sign?
Uh, Mike, this is Bobby Hamilton,
son of Gary Hamilton in accounting.
I'm going to go now.
That man is scaring me.
Daddy!
You ok, Mike?
Yeah. You know, all this talk about babies,
it's getting me kinda worked up.
Which reminds me, let's have dinner next week
with my friend Jeff lyles and his wife.
You'll like her.
She's swedish.
I know a little French.
Let's... let's go make a baby right now.
Mike, I'm on the pill.
I know. I'm caught up in the moment. I'm not an idiot.
I want you right here, right now.
Take me.
(SQUEALS AND GIGGLES)
Are you guys dating?
After Yale, I won my first elected office in the city council,
and after a 6-year stint as borough president,
I became the mayor of this great city.
I don't know. I just don't think
you're city hall tour material.
I can also get you fired.
Really?
I'm pretty sure.
Well, Doug sees your point.
And I'm moving.
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
(BARKING)
Moo.